By Stever Robins of Quick and Dirty Tips
Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret
Expressing Regret is Bernice’s primary apology language. To her, an apology is first and foremost emotional. Someone truly feels bad about what they’ve done. An apology must show that someone sincerely feels regretful, guilty, or ashamed.
Melvin says, “I’m sorry,” but his voice tone says, “Panic!” Bernice is picking up on his tone, not his words. She wants to know there’s real regret behind his apology, not just that he can say the words. Expressing Regret sounds like, “I feel awful about what I’ve done.” (Said in an appropriate tone of voice.)
Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility
Bernice’s secondary apology language is Accepting Responsibility. She wants to hear that the other person knows it’s their fault. This is as simple as saying, “I was wrong.” But as simple as it sounds, many of us just can’t say those words. We can say, “You were wrong.” We can say, “Politicians are wrong.” But, we can’t quite say, “I was wrong.”
But, that’s all that someone with the Accepting Responsibility apology language wants to hear, a simple admission of fault. Melvin’s apologizing, but he’s not saying that he was wrong. Accepting responsibility sounds like, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. It was my fault.”
Apology Language #3: Genuine Repentance
Genuine Repentance is similar to Expressing Regret in that it must come from the heart. But, it must also come with a promise to change, so the problem doesn’t happen again.
Even though Melvin may plan to change going forward—perhaps by re-reading every dialog box twice before clicking a button—if he doesn’t say so to Bernice, she won’t know that. Genuine Repentance sounds like, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Next time I’ll re-read the dialog box twice before clicking a button. And I’ll turn on auto-save. And make backups.”
Apology Language #4: Requesting Forgiveness
Requesting Forgiveness asks the injured person to forgive. It lets them know they were wronged, that forgiveness is needed to repair the relationship. Even though you may believe that a request for forgiveness is implied in any apology, someone whose apology language is Requesting Forgiveness needs to hear it out loud.
An apology can be as simple as saying, “I was wrong.”
Keep in mind that a request for forgiveness won’t necessarily be granted. The apology shows that you recognize the need to be forgiven. Whether or not the forgiving happens, however, is up to the person receiving the apology. Requesting Forgiveness sounds like, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
Apology Language #5: Making Restitution
Finally, we come to Making Restitution. Making Restitution involves justifying the wrong, and finding a way to make amends. You gotta make up for what you did. How you make up for it depends on the person. You have to make up for it in a way that the other person values. If you say “I’m so sorry. Here is a pair of tickets to the game Sunday evening” to someone who prefers cooking to sports, you’re not making amends. “Here is a pair of tickets to the filming of Iron Chef Sunday evening” will work much better.
Making Restitution might mean doing what’s needed to fix what you screwed up. It’s probably the most labor-intensive apology language. It also happens to be my number one apology language. Making Restitution sounds like, “I’m sorry. I was sloppy. I’d be glad to help with the marketing report so you can go home early tonight.”
Humour Cell 